not even kidding

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Fighting the Good Fight

I know it's been a while since I've last written. I truly have no reason except pure laziness. Well that and the fact that my semester was coming to and end and needed to study for finals. Ok, I guess it was pure laziness. First things first. Turns out my thoughts on the OSU-Michigan game were pretty wrong. The game was a lot closer than I had thought. But oh well, Buckeyes are still going to be the National Champs. Suck it Florida. I'm pretty sure there's a rule somewhere, in the bylaws of sports or something, that says two teams from the same state cannot win a championship in the same season. Let alone the same school. (see NCAA '06 basketball tournament for those who are confused)
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A few quick thoughts:

Reasons why being home from college is sweet-
1)

Reasons why not being home from college is sweet-
1) the beer
2) no parents
3) no job
4) the beer
5) the occasional vodka
6) the walking around naked
7) the chicken pitas with lettuce, onions, and ranch sauce
8) the girls (most of whom pretend to be friends with me so i give them beer)
9) my roommate's bowlcut - he's a little young but he pays rent so he stays
10) mostly the drinking
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Bears to Super Bowl LXI (I think those Roman numerals are correct. 41 right?) With or without good Rexy, with or without Tank, with or without the dominating D, with or without the backing of Chicago's sportswriters and national writers alike, DA BEARS will be shuffling into and out of Miami.
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MTV actually has some good shows on it. From 3 South, to Viva La Bam, to the early Punk'd, now to Rob & Big. Well done MTV. Now if only you could cancel Laguna Beach. And TRL. Thanks.
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Now that the Christmas season is finally upon us, although it started in early September in some stores this year, I would like to share some holiday cheer from some customers at my work.
Customer #1: "Tis the season"
Customer #2: "Ya well fuck your season. And fuck you too.
C1: "You wanna take this outside buddy?"

It was at this part that several female observers, possibily wives or lady friends or even just frightened old ladys intervened and broke things up. I could only chuckle as Customer #1 began to walk outside and Customer #2 shouted out to him "MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLE"
It truly is the season.
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Oh, and if anyone is actually wondering, my family and I have big plans for Christmas Eve. There should be more than a few stories from this after the holidays. Merry Christmas to all.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

The State of O-H I-O

Living in Ohio for the past year and a half has taught me a few things: winters in Ohio are colder than Chicago, the Browns are horrible yet loved by everyone, and Ohio St. football may be even bigger than the Brownies. With these things in mind, here is what's happening around Ohio this weekend: 3:30 pm Michigan at Ohio St. and then tomorrow at 1 pm Pittsburgh Steelers at the Browns. Pretty much if OSU and the Brownies both win, the state of Ohio will be no more. The sate and everyone in it will internally combust. I cannot relate how much people are looking forward to these games. I myself, a devout Chicago sports fan, can't help but get so fucking excited for today's game (I don't give a fuck about the browns/steelers game though, GO BEARS). So today I am going to do something I have never done. I'm going to try to live blog the buckeye-wolverine game. I have no idea how things will turn out or if I even do it for the whole game. But here goes nothing.

2:29 PM- I open my third beer of the afternoon. While I have the Indiana-Purdue game on right now, I am not paying attention to it. I am currently rocking out to the Kinks You Really Got Me. Countdown for the game of the universe sits at 59 minutes.

2:32 PM- I flip over to the Harvard-Yale game on WGN. Unfortunately they do not have the countdown for the game of the millennium like ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, and even ESPN Classic does. Fucking Ivy league. Number of black players in the game right now: 2. Number of black players in the Indiana-Purdue game: 12. Number of lights in Harvard Stadium: ZERO. How can Harvard not have any lights in their stadium? They have to have one of the highest alumni donations in the country but they can't afford lights. Sounds like everything isn't all that its cracked up to be in Cambridge, MA.

2:39 pm- I get an instant message from my little cousin. 9 years old. Of course he's rooting for Michigan. His reasoning: "people always want a #2 team to beat a #1 team." I tell him that this is not always true and his response: "duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu." Oh to be 9 again.

2:54 PM- As if you all already didn't know, The Strokes are a badass band. If you haven't heard their newest album First Impressions of Earth, then do yourself a favor and go buy it/download/borrow it from a friend and "accidentally" forget to give it back. Yup, it's that damn good. Countdown to the game of the ages is at 33 minutes.

3:00 pm- I discover that Esteban is on the Home Shopping Network selling "personalized or non-personalized guitars." For those of you unaware of Esteban, he is a master of the guitar. And by the way, the personalized guitars are signed by Esteban. The difference in the signed and unsigned guitars: $30. And I was just informed that Esteban was one of the few people in the world who studied under Se Golvia in Spain, a world reknowned(spell check) guitar virtuoso. So if that doesn't change your mind, then nothing will.

3:10 pm- I open my fourth beer. I'm not sure which is more shocking: the fact that I took 4o minutes to drink a beer or the fact that the beer was still cold all the way to the end.

Times and plans have changed. Instead of sitting in my room and watching the game, I have been conned into going downstairs and watching it on the big screen. So my live-blogging promise has already ended. Before the game even started. Who knows, I might make my way up here during halftime or so but am not promising anything. Until next time. GO BUCKEYES
OSU 34 Michigan 17

Monday, November 06, 2006

The Rest of My Summer and some other things

As I promised, yes I have come out of my hiatus and returned. I realize that my 5 month break probably didn't help me in keeping any of the few readers that I did have. So here's to finding new readers. Since the last thing I talked about was returning home after my first year of college, I guess I should pick it up from there.

Here's a timeline of my summer:
May 5th - roughly the beginning of July: I worked at a semi-cool job, making pretty shitty money, while not doing a lot of associating with my friends from home. I worked at a cashier at a local grocery store. It is kind of cool, except for the whole part where I have to deal with the customers. Now don't get me wrong, there are some cool customers. But mostly they are dicks. I'll break down the comparisons a little more:
  • The elderly- most are regulars which I got to know. But this wasn't always a good thing. There are the cool ass old guys who seem like they would be the coolest grandpas and then there would be the "I-hate-technology-and-everything-new-and-especially-refrain-from-being-a-decent human-being type of old guys. Guys who bitch about credit cards, and ATM machines, and then take 15 minutes to find enough cash in their massive wallets. They don't mind wasting other people's time and more than likely, the do it for pleasure. Sick bastards they are
  • the middle aged (30-50)- this is where you find the psychotic coupon lovers. Most of them are women but I have seen a few guys do it too. Anyways, they scour every goddamn newspaper they can find and snip every single coupon from them. It doesn't matter if the coupon is for a free car wash in December, they will cut it out. Along with the coupons, they know exactly how much their items cost. And they have me slow down to make sure the computer or I don't make a mistake. Like I could ever do such a thing. I swear to Him, this one lady brought in over 3o coupons one time. By the time I scanned them all, the store owed her money. Then there are the people who bring their kids with. You can tell that these people envy me and my carefree life. They try to chat a little bit with me but it's hard when they have Hannah, Brett, and Timmy tugging on their legs and trying to get them to buy candy. It's pretty much in and out for them. Well, unless they have coupons.
  • the rest- these are the hot bitches, the little kids who pay in change, the college kids, the groups of 17 friends who all find it necessary to come inside for just one pack of gum.
So you see, being a cashier isn't all that its cracked up to be. Sure, we get to steal the change and some candy now and then, and I do get a 5% discount. But totally not worth it. Yet this is how I spent my summer working.

July 1-July 9: Easily the greatest week of the summer. I flew back to Akron and visited my friends from school for the week. Lots of sleeping, lots of alcohol, lots of fireworks, met some new friends, and maybe a few stories that I will no doubt never live down. But more on this trip another time.

July 10-pretty much the rest of the summer: Worked, slept, hung out with friends. Was supposed to go to Lollapalooza but never ended up buying tickets. Went to one Sox game with my sisters. They won. Had a good time at my block party. Drank beer and played flip cup in the street with my family and friends. And pretty much just waited for school to start up again.

August 24th: I came back to glorious Akron, Ohio. I moved into a new place. Met up with the friends I had missed. And drank some beers. I was back in the place I loved. And it felt good. Damn Good

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That was my summer, in a very short 6 or so paragraphs. I promise to add in some more details as time goes by. Until then, I have some things on my mind. First thing is static electricity. Now don't get me wrong here. Static electricity is fun if you use it to make a balloon stick to your head or a wall. Or if you purposely drag your feet on the carpet and then sneak upon a friend/coworker/little kid/teacher/girl you know from Facebook but she doesn't return your 'pokes' and shock them. I'm all for that. But when I wake up in the morning, shuffle my feet across the carpet, reach the door knob and feel a jolt of electricity, I am not happy. Especially when this happens to be at 8:37 am.
Another thing I don't like is being sick. If anyone has a cure for the common cold, I would love to hear it. There's nothing worse than trying to go to sleep but since your nose is clogged up, you have to breathe out your mouth. And then during the night, your mouth gets all dry and gets pretty uncomfortable. Also, your roommate is constantly snoring and your efforts to shake the bed (bunk beds) to wake him up fail. Truly nothing worse than that. Unless you wake up and get that shock of static electricity.

more to come

I'm writing this to let you know that I will be writing again. I would start now, but since i have class in about 20 minutes, i guess it will have to wait until after. Have no fear. I'M BACK

Friday, June 16, 2006

turns out there still are some readers

i had all but long forgotten about this. school ended and i packed all my shit up and brought it home, and when i did, i put my computer in my room. to make a short story long, i don't have internet access in my room so i lost all of my bookmarks. i know this osunds lame but it s true. and these bookmarks included my own blog. i realize this is the worst excuse in the history of excuses, but its true. oh, and also because i forgot about it. and even though i haven't written anything in a good month or so, it turns out that i do have fans out there (i use plural becuase the email i got had two people in it). so without further adue (spell check that), heres my life since college ended.

the night before i was set to leave, my parents drove up so we could leave early the next morning. seeing that it was the last night of my freshman year of college, i had to drink. and seeing that i was drinking heavily and my parents were in town......i think we all know where this is heading. and if you don't, i'm going to tell you so you won't feel left out. yes, i called my parents up and told them to come join in the feastivities with me and my friends. and like any other irish catholics, they obliged. and of course, they were a hit. picture this, your mom (just because you don't know what my mom looks like , well i hope you don't) surrounded by 15-20 college aged kids, drinking a NATTY LIGHT. yes, my mom drank natty with me. and so did my dad, but thats not surprising. my mom is a lady who can and does get tipsy off one and a half wine coolers (pina colada of course). so ya, the last night before i would go home for the summer, i was drinking with my parents. and people wonder why college is so great......

needless to say, the 5 hour drive home the next morning wasn't the best of times. not only did my mom witness me making out with some girl (which is just gross, the fact that my mom saw, not making out with girls), but i was tired and hungover a little, AND said girl that i was making out with ended up stealing a pair of my shorts (more on this later). and of course, mom being mom, decided to give me the good ol' sex talk.

mom: "you know i saw you and that brown-haired girl swapping spit last night"
me: swapping spit?? who even says that anymore?"
mom: "i do, and its true"
me: "..uh...this is wierd"
dad: "pammy, just leave the boy alone. he did good"

and it went on from there, but you get the picture. i guess mom forgot that i'm 19 and not 18. jeez, i totally know how everything is run and how to treat girls. duh. and dad totally had my back. now back to how i lost those shorts....

as it turns out, girls don't appreciate it when you leave their room at 5 am ( i had to pack for the next day). and to show you how much they don't like it, they refuse to tell you where they put your shorts that they took from the other week. i dunno if any of this is true or not.....a guy i know told me. but all in all, my last night as a college freshman will be forever ingrained in the minds of me and those of my lucky friends who got to experience my parents firsthand. and with a beer in the other.

and to those of you who don't beleive me, here they are:

you can clearly see the natty light in her hand!!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

i can feel the love

then end of the semester is quickly advancing on us. finals are this week and next for some. thsi only means one thing, time to go back home. for some this might be a godsend, but for others, like myself, this is going to be hard. i came to school in OH and i didn't know one goddamn person. but when i thinking of leaving all the people i've met here, it sucks. tongiht, as i was working on a project (aka looking at facebook) i noticed that i had been invited to join a group. ok sweet, i love groups. the title of this particular group you ask.......KEEP JOD IN OHIO. now i don't know if any of you know who JOD is, but its me. my bestest friend decided to immortalize me by making a group about keeping me here. now for some people, this might make them a little shy or whatever, but fuck that, i'm going to take this for all i can get. imagine this at a party this weekend

me "hey can i get a beer"
friend 1 "hey fuck you, go get your own"
me "you know this is my last weekend here right?"
friend "oh shit, here you go, you want 2 maybe 3"

yes, i will use this to get favors from people, both objective and sexual. lets hope for the latter. so to all of you who think you are something, you aren't shit until you've had a facebook group created in your honor*



*it doesnt count if you make it yourself, or even tell peopel to make it. becasue thats just sad

Sunday, April 16, 2006

nextel phones

honestly, is there anything in the whole world that is more annoying than these fuckin phones. not counting Cubs fans of course. is it just me or is the hwole idea of a cell phone so that people can have private conversations where ever they want. i guess the honchos over at nextel ddin't get this memo. these phones allow people to use their phones as walkie talkies. you all know that you've been in line for that porno at the movie store or in some restaurant when all of a sudden you hear that annoying ass noise. the little chirp thing or whatever the fuck it is. you would think that these people would use common courtesy and talk normally on them, without other people having to hear the whole conversation. sure, some people like to know that tina's cousin's neighbor got caught running an S&M business out of her house, but some don't. i personally would fall in with the first group on this, but this is a rarity.
i was on an airplane today and while we were waiting our turn on the runway, some fucker was talking on his nextel. not only was the captain informing eveyone what was happening and no one could hear anything but the guy was talking about the dumbest shit. i'm pretty sure i heard the words "clay aiken isn't that bad" come out of the guys mouth. now if and when i talk about the former American Idol star, i try to say it as low as possible so no one can hear me. but seriously, next time u hear that annoying chirp and then can recite the whole conversation verbatim, do us all a favor and give the owner of the phone a swift punch in the babymaker.
two posts in one night, i must really love doing this. or its becuase i haven't written anything in a while. who knows.

bible night

so since i returned home this past weekend for the first time since january, me and my family decided to do what any normal family would....we made shirts and drank beer. but this was no ordinary night. no my friends, this was BIBLE NIGHT

you see, a couple months ago, both my sisters went back home and they decided to have a theme to go along with the drinking. so they chose russian night. now me not being able to attend this made me mad and possibly a little jealous. maybe not as much jealous as heartbroken. so since i was triumphantly returning home, we needed a new theme. and the first though tthat came to my mind was actually jeopardy! night. my family loves jeopardy, but i swear we dont keep score or anything like that. and we dont award 2 points for getting the daily double right and we sure as hell dont have to write out final jeopardy or anything because that would just be really wierd. and also very phycotic of us. but then i realized that my family has 5 people and jeopardy! only has 4. (the judges dont count, you cant see them) so bible night was born. it was decided that i would be Ezekiel, my sisters would be Cain and Abel, my mom would be Goliath, my dad would be Judas for betraying us, and the dog would be Donkey (the one Jesus rode in on Palm Sunday, duh. what other donkey is there??) so we made shirts and everything. this of ocurse would be mine. this is the back and i thought the number was a nice touch.






this would be my mom/Goliath. little did we know that in about 1 hour and 2 beers later, she would go inside and draw a Jesus beard on with her mascara?? pencil. gotta love moms.










older sister katie. she wanted to be Cain so she could kill our other sister. sounds like a good enough reason for me.










this would be my dad, or Judas. we gave him that name becasue he "betrayed" us by having to get up the next day and go to work. we were mad that we couldn't drink with our daddy. this is a feeling that most children go through during bible night, or so i've heard










other sister keri. aka the one to be murdered. as you can see by the blood stains, the act already happened. but don't worry, the only thing that was murdered on this night were those 2 cases of miller light. oh, and that midget that we found peeking in on us. he met his untimely death at the hands of goliath. who knew she was capable of such things.

on the front of all the shirts, we also had a slogan, but unfortunately i didn't snap a photo of this but have no fear, i remember it. it goes as follows:
10 Commandments
7 Sacraments
2 Cases
___________
1 Good Time

if you think about it, you all know its a pretty fuckin badass slogan. hold your applause though, i can't take all the credit, just most of it.

as promised, here is the pic of my mom and sister/ hoboes we found. i'll let you all determine which is which. as you can tell, we like to go all out on Bible Nights. so there you have it, Bible night in a nutshell. if anyone else has any ideas for a new theme party, i'm all ears. or eyes, whatever.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

anarchy in class

so here's my dilemna: when it was time to sign up for classes this semester, i decided to take human relations. i had no idea what this was but i figured that since i'm (mostly) human i could pass this class. little did i know that this class dealt mainly with psychology and those matters i.e. Frued, Maslow, heirarchy of needs, etc. since the class is only 8 weeks, everything is crammed together so for the first test, it covered 4 chapters. Good, Great, GRAND! so the last class before spring break (the test was the week after break) the teacher gave us a study guide. this fucker was just a list of terms and names, most of which i had never heard before. this list covered almost 2 full pages. but since i had about 2 weeks before the test, i figured i could fill them all in and study and be all good

fastforward to two days before the class when i remeber about the test. of course i had done nothing over break except drink LEGALLY in canada and ILLEGALLY in the US. (try Stella beer, you can thank me later) so its monday and the test is wednesday. fuck. so i start typing out all of these terms and their definitions and whatnot. 3 hours later i am only done with 1 and a half chapters. again, fuck. so tuesday, i spend a good 4 more hours just finishing my10 PAGE study guide. i look at the clock and its 10:30 pm before i even start studying. i spend the next 3 hours learning MaCrae's and Costa's "Big Five", the 13 ways to cope with stress, and a whole bunch of other bullshit that i will probably forget after i start drinking tonight. so after 3 hours, i'm dead so i decide to wake up 3 hours before my class starts in the morning so i can study some more.

not a good idea. after staying up so late then getting up so early, i could barely function in the morning. point is, i didn't get too much more studying in. so of course i feel that im going to fuck up the test and fail it. but who doesn't feel like that. i stroll into class and the teacher hands me the test: 24 multiple choice and 5 essays for a total of 50 points, not too bad but still a big chunk of my grade. 20 minutes after i sit down, i'm all done with it. i even went back and checked all of my answers. i'm relieved that it was a lot easier than i thought but pissed that i spent a good 10 hours making the study guide and studying when i didn't really have to. so i go up and hand in the test. i give her my test and head towards the door.
"uh John"
i turn around, "ya"
"where you going?"
"leaving, i finished already"
"oh no, after the tests are done i'm going to start lecturing on the next chapters"
...

"John, JOHN! get up, are you ok?"
"ya, i just thoguht i hear you say you were gunna start the next chapter after we just finished this one"
"ya i did"

this is only my 2nd semester of college but i have never heard of this before. here's how things are supposed to go: don't study for test, take it and ace it, hand it in and head home to do illegal things on my computer (only kidding FBI) i'm not sure if anyone has ever had this happen to them but this shit better not happen again. this is pretty much all i have to talk about. rereading this, it doesn't really sound too interesting, but in my head it did. and really, that's all that matters to me. oh, and you guys are really important to me too. (brownie points for that)